I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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