I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
