why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
