Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
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Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
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I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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