What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
