No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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