At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She told me I should be a condom model.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i think im in europe. pls send help
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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