His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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