Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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