Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
