my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
