just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
