Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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