it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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