i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
