i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
