I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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