you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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