Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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