I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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