peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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