you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
