I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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