he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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