My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i think i have two assholes
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
