my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
