If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
