Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
