you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
worst night to have a conscience
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
