I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
