she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I would fuck him just for his dog
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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