remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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