Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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