Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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