90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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