we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
