Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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