This is not my ceiling
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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