i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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