i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
