woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
