It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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