I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
