I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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