Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
