I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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