i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
