Michael Bay diarrhea
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
