I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
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i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
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Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
What drink are we having for lunch?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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