There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
