He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
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Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
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That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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