hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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