my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize