I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
