please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
