So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
