That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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