at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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