True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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