my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
